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OMG you guys it's SNOWING, it never EVER snows so early here, well it's not settling or anything, but still, actual snow! And I had a driving lesson today, thankfully just missed the snow, but it was raining insanely, and I didn't kill anyone so all is good! Driving test coming soon, which is a scary thought, but I think I am getting there...

What else? Well, I haven't been doing enough work of course, which will catch up with me soon, but hasn't yet, and I managed to finally speak in today's seminar (well, I had spoken before, today I spoke lots!) which is good. Very little progress boy-wise, because I got scared and started flirting with everyone else in order to hide my love, because I am stupid. :(

Just saw Gossip Girl, and I have to say this show gets better every episode, I can't even, it's just so incredibly fantastic! It is amazing to have something like that I can just watch and enjoy, and not shout WTF?! Though I have heard yesterday's Heroes is actually okay, am trying to dl it now, so will see.

So the whole business with commuting would be absolutely fine if I was capable of doing any work at home, unfortunately that is not the case. I am not even sure why I am updating, I think I ran out of all other available means of procrastination and can't bring myself to go back to reading 'A Social Theory of International Relations', for the incomprehensibility of which my lecturer actually apologised today.

I guess the real reason is that I need advice. It has been ages since I have really liked someone and even longer since I've pursued anyone, so I don't know what to do! The person that I like is someone I have become friends with over the last couple of weeks, so normal ways of asking someone out are not clear enough, like we have had coffee, lunch and drinks on numerous occasions (coffee and lunch just the two of us, he paid for coffee 1, I paid for coffee 2,) I don't know if he likes me like that, and I am pretty sure he has no idea how I feel, because my extreme fear of rejection means that I act in a completely nonchalant way, but he definitely likes me enough to spend many hours talking to me and leaving his house to have lunch with me. He also dresses like Ryan Atwood: grey hoodie and a leather jacket. (Sorry, if you don't watch the OC!) Yeah that's not relevant, but it is sort of awesome.

So I need to do something fairly soon, because it led me to spend about half an hour in the library today staring into space, and it will be harder once we become too good friends, you know? The question is what do I do? Someone on my course is having a party on Saturday and I am thinking the solution maybe to get drunk and try to kiss him, but I do see many a problems with this plan.

Help?

( Day 2 at lse )

( Gossip Girl )

As you may know, after graduating instead of doing the smart sensible thing and looking for a job I decided to cling to academia and spend lots of money which I don't have on a masters, so on Friday I found my way to the London School of Economics and registered for my course and then I went home. And tomorrow, I am going back, as there are a couple of inductions and the joy that is Freshers' week. Oh dear. See when I did this the first time around by virtue of being thrown together in college you can't but meet people, being a graduate however is different, LSE is different, and commuting from home is very different. So I don't know anyone. But I still want to do fun things in Freshers' week, only there is the problem of knowing no one and having nowhere to stay if I do go out.

I don't know what to do, I am sure that once lectures and seminars begin I will meet people, and I do know a lot of people in London, and

anna_bonita and one person I know from Oxford are at LSE, but in the short term the situation is pretty dire. London is big and scary and I was so looking forward to this, and now I am just not sure what to do.

And now I am off to my Russian course, which is wonderful, there are 7 of us, the youngest after me is 50-something, the oldest 70-something, it certainly isn't what I expected when I signed up, but everyone is very keen and I am enjoying it

Note: All of you that are in London and not averse to the idea of meeting me, eh, please do! I know it has been a while, but I would so love to see any and all of you for a drink/coffee/walk whatever!

Wow, it has been a long time! I just haven't posted, but I am alive and well. Not sure why I haven't been posting exactly, well, was in Bulgaria, with no internet, for about 6 weeks, but have been back home for about a month now and just haven't had the inclination to write about anything. But since both my shows are back I do need a space for "serious discussion"...

Heroes! I just watched the first two episodes and have quite a bit I want to say, and about a million questions. More about general life and Gossip Girl will probably come soon, but before I go to bed (early driving lesson tomorrow) just want to jot down my feelings before I forget.

( My rather rambly and very spoilery reactions )

I’ve been wanting to update. But what to say? What I have been doing? Well everything at first and now somehow I am back to nothing. I don’t know. I am at home, have been here for almost two weeks, today is the first day that I am by myself, as my parents have gone on holiday and apart from pretty much a whole season of Doctor Who (not yet the finale, started watching because of all of your reactions!) done anything.

I was clearing out some of my stuff and found a diary I was keeping when I was 15, god 6 years ago, it lasted about a year I think, as I found LJ afterwards and stopped writing about my feelings. It is a horrible pink diary with a broken lock, it contains lists of my friends and people I wanted to kiss, and it is full of swearing and “I will so die if…” and a lot of I hate everyone and “my friend’s being a bitch” and “I am so lonely” which I don’t really remember being. It really is a cliché, the way it is written is quite horrific. It keeps talking about some boy I fancied, only his name didn’t really ring a bell and I have absolutely no idea what he looked like. None at all. Apparently I liked him for ages, which I vaguely remember, but that was so no long ago, in year 10 and not remembering scares me.

Does it mean that this is what will happen to the last three years? Are they going to disappear save for the few random posts I have on here? God I hope not, but it was different while I was living it, my time in Oxford seemed like it would continue for ever, a never ending spell of essays and friends and happiness and I could never imagine it ending. And now it has, and I still don’t believe it. I don’t think I truly will until the autumn when I don’t go back there, or perhaps sooner when my email stops working. (The idea of that freaks me out, but I am sure it will be fairly soon) or maybe even results day. Which is meant to be tomorrow, but somehow I doubt it. I hate the lack of certainty and keep checking. I guess that is why I am updating, wanted to do so before I know what my degree class is. And I have no idea what that will be, I have hopes and nightmares but perhaps tomorrow it will be all clear. And if the degree class is what it is supposed to be, in October I will be going to London, to LSE to study International Relations. I am so very excited about the prospect of that and terrified I won’t make friends, I won’t like it, I won’t…

I don’t know, it’s just been a bit of a shock adjusting from living with my friends and seeing them every day to going home, where I don’t really have any friends left. And everyone else is so busy and I don’t really know what to do. I just really miss always being around lots of people. Have read four books in the past week. But in between the books I've felt so lonely.

I guess I am being a bit melodramatic, it's getting late, I should go to bed. I never really write in here any more, I am not sure why, I suppose I feel that the anonymity of early days is long gone, and with it the ease with which honesty came. And I feel like I can't say what need, so I say nothing. Maybe I should return to the pink diary with the broken lock.

I keep planning to update as wanted to have an account of finals from the middle of it all and next week is the week of hell, so I doubt I will have time to even check my emails, so here are my thoughts. I might not have said this before, but I have 8 exams which would decide the total mark of my degree, all three years of study are examined in just over a week. No pressure, right?

I should be learning about India's democracy all over again, because one thing I have established over the past few months is that my brain is rather like a sieve and all my knowledge sadly goes down the drain. But I've just had a really nice dinner cooked for me and had a non-exam related conversation and laughter and I just feel to content to return to reading.

I have had three exams so far. Five to go. My awful timetable gives me one on monday morning, one on wednesday afternoon, one on Thursday morning and two on Friday. When it is over, I imagine I will collapse within the first glass of alcohol, but oh it will be awesome.

Anyway Exams. I get really nervous and throw up before exams if I eat. This is a bit of a problem as you may imagine. I went to see the college Nurse and she ever so helpfully prescribed me anti nausea tablets which make you drowsy. I decided against that but am happy to say no vomiting as of yet. Though on Friday morning I did get up at 5 and felt dreadfully sick for many hours.

The actual exams went okay as far as I can tell, which isn't much, my only marked essays have been collections and these have varied from 1sts to a dreadful 2.2 we don't talk about and yet I can never tell what I get. So I don't know, but I do know that I answered three questions and I more or less knew where I was going, which is a good thing.

( Exam babble, mostly for my own benefit )

Things that I might have said today:

While crossing the High Street: “What do you think will be better, if you get hit by a bus before your first exam or after your last?”

“Snow, beautiful snow” said with a manic grin while throwing the shredded remains of a napkin at dinner.

“This is what my brain looks like right now” After repeatedly squishing a plastic cup “Empty and with holes”

“Boxes, boxes, boxes!” to everyone in the library and later to self like a mantra after discovering the secret to creating mind maps which are legible.

“You know, I don’t know anything, but I keep hoping that all the revision wouldn’t have been in vain and somehow magically things will pop in my brain when I need them”

"The worst pair of opposites is boredom and terror. Sometimes your life is a pendulum swing from one to the other. The sea is without a wrinkle. There is not a whisper of wind. The hours last forever. You are so bored you sink into a state of apathy close to a coma. Then the sea becomes rough and your emotions are whipped into a frenzy. Yet even these two opposites do not remain distinct. In your boredom there are elements of terror… And in the grip of terror - the worst storm - yet you feel boredom, a deep weariness with it all." The Life of Pi

Not much else I can add apart from two things I discovered today, one is that I am no longer able to write essays (specifically introductions) and two I remember absolutely nothing for any of my papers (specifically Bentham to Weber, my last exam, in the afternoon of a double day) If I was still able to write essays I might put a conclusion here, which would probably refer to doom and failure, but I can't so you are spared.

Hope people with exams are doing fabulously and people in England have been enjoying the glorious weather I've been hearing rumours about and that everyone else is generally doing okay!!

Today for the first time in my life I bought a lottery ticket, it was enormously exciting and I told one person that I’d won and then everyone in the library thought I’d won and thus would not need to do finals. At which point I tried to explain to them the problem that lottery cases pose to knowledge and they all returned to their seats surprisingly quickly.

Today has been that sort of day, sunny and actually warm for the first time this year, which I had failed to notice and coming out of the library wearing my long coat was met with a lot of mocking, oh well. I have been feeling disorientated and a bit out of it all day and reading Mill and laughing a lot. None of these things are related.

And almost winning the lottery, don’t forget that!

I have also been taking photos because I am determined to do the photo meme “A week in the life of…a finalist” for posterity reasons and because taking pictures of Oxford makes me happy and my insistence to take out my camera at every opportune moment seems to really amuse people, I do hope no one takes it from me and tries to kill me with it, but I am taking my chances. I haven’t yet posted any photos because that is rather a lot of effort but I will do soon.

Why do I only post when upset/annoyed/worried? I am sorry for that, I always want to actually say stuff (most recently regarding the new ep of Gossip Girl which is so much love!) and also post photos, because I have been trying to do this weekly photo meme and have been taking photos of my day (in the library! Though slightly more exciting than than..slightly) and other things but instead you are getting a mini rant.

( On the difficulty of telling your friends to shut the fuck up (An untold library tale) )

Just an FYI: I am alive.

I am just really terrified...(less than four weeks now, ohgod)

I am all alone in the Univ library and it is weird. I don't like it. :(

I believe this is not a surprising a fact, considering it is Easter to a lot of you (not me, my Easter is in a few weeks time and I will go home then. Probably) and even finalists have families and things, but it is still not on!

Ghost college is creepy! The fact that none of the rooms are occupied and I am all alone in the library, oh god it is the beginning of a horror story. Though hopefully all potential murderers to be are too busy eating chocolate, or whatever it is you do on Easter.

I seem to have a problem with the whole revision business. As in I don't remember things, I would read something in the morning and by the afternoon I will have no clue. Oh philosophers, why do you write like that?

I am clearly doomed.

The only good thing is that one of my friends, before she went home, had made a Tiramisu and couldn't eat it! And left it to me and it is possibly the yummiest thing I have ever eaten.

I love how in this country a white Easter is way more likely than a white Christmas!

I also love that it is snowing, as this is the first snow I have seen all year and if it settles it will make my library time in Oxford that bit more exciting as this city covered in snow is exquisite. Not that that's likely, apparently it's not cold enough!

In other news I just found out that my exam timetable has been published, in 60 days time I am going to be taking my finals. I have 8 exams spread over ten days and then that's it.

Okay, if that's not motivation, I don't know what is.

So I made the mistake last Monday to sit down while my brother was watching Skins and I’d heard about it and knew I’d probably like it, so kept telling myself I have no time for a new show. Well one episode and I was hooked, instead of revising I ended up watching all the episodes and I love it. It is odd, and I think very much a fannish characteristic to get really easily obsessed with things, once you are in fandom and a fan of something, this enthusiasm gets transferred to everything else you like. Normal people that like Skins would probably watch it once a week and occasionally discuss it with friends. A fannish person would watch it in a day, watch all the extras/interviews/etc, join the LJ comms dedicated to it and probably read a fic or two. Oh dear, I don’t have time for this.

Do any of you watch it?? What do you think?

( Spoilery opinions on all of Skins )

In other shiny news, I got an offer from my second choice at the LSE, which is an MSc in Theory of International Relations and which I would love to do, the actual difference with the IR course is very minimal, and it comes down to a compulsory theory paper, all other options are the same. And I only need a 2:1! (though had a nightmare the other day that I got a 2:2) Now I need to work during the summer as the LSE is crazy expensive.

I can't leave the angry post out there for so long.

Nonetheless a short drama update

( Cut for extensive Cold War references )

In other news things are less good than last week, because I had 5 revision classes this week and spend most of it a) not working and b) franticly attempting to read my old essays so as to know something for the class, only not actually learning anything.

And I still haven't applied to LSE and I don't really know how to write this personal statement, which is so much longer than the Oxford one and just completely different!

On the bright side my food intake of today consists of a chocolate croissant for breakfast and a Belgium waffle with ice cream and maple syrup for lunch. I know that sounds awful, but oh my god it was good.

I am in the college library and really bored. I also have nothing else to say. Hope everyone has had a good weekend. Link me to something entertaining pretty please!

I was going to post about my new found love of David Ford and the awesome gig I went to tonight with

lauds and one of my housemates and how I did abysmally on my collections, but a glance at my flist showed me something I didn't want to believe but was forced to by all the repetition.

Heath Ledger has died. I am really upset right now, I have never been that upset about the death of a celebrity. I am just in a such a shock, he was so young, so talented, this is so sad. I love so many of his films and him.

So It is 0th Week and my very possibly second to last term at Oxford starts, I don't like this. It upsets me greatly.

The other thing that upsets me greatly is that I haven't done my application yet, because I can't make my personal statement better and I am afraid of trying so I have been reading web comics all morning. The other thing that upsets me is that I have collections on Friday and I haven't revised for them, and one is with the tutor that is writing my reference and I just don't want to do badly. I hate the pressure of 0th week, at least this time there won't be any essays. And I am seeing the History Boys on Thursday, which is probably stupid of me, but I had hoped when I booked my tickets that I would have revised by then. Riiight.

So resolutions.

( By The End of Today )

( By The End of Tomorrow )

( By The End of The Week )

( By The End of The Month )

( By The End of Six Months )

( By the End of the Year )

So I have watched Gossip Girl, because it is the sort of stupid thing that I do when I am meant to be revising. I wouldn't say it's good, but I liked it. I mean I loved the OC, and this is basically the OC in New York.

Has anyone else watched it?

( If not, a short summary of characters. Yes it is very silly )

So the thing is, I finished watching the show and then I wrote some fics today, that's right in a plural sort of way, not one or two but three. The are short to be fair. Still. Very unusual for me. One is one sided Chuck/Nate, the other Blair/Serena and then there is Chuck everybody which I haven't finished yet but is coming along nicely.

Title: Nine Facts about Chuck Bass ~~he would never admit to~~
Fandom: Gossip Girl
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 244
Summary: Chuck rhymes with fuck and Chuck always thought that was kind of perfect.
Spoilers: for all the episodes.

( Nine Facts About Chuck Bass )

Not too late to wish you all A Very Happy 2008!! Hope it brings you what you want, as well as what you need and that at the end of it you feel fulfilled and happy! <3

I had a very good night, eventually organised self and friends to go to London, to a ridiculously overpriced bar next to Embankment, which was located perfectly for us to watch the fireworks (pretty!) and have food and a really awesome atmosphere and not so perfectly for us to go home. Due to station closures took me an hour to walk from Embankment to Charring Cross!! I have never seen so many people together ever. Missed my train home of course, ended up staying in London and only returning yesterday afternoon. So it is now 2008 and I have started the new year a bit late and not quite prepared. As always. Last year was good, not sure if as good as 2006 but certainly not bad. :)

As for 2008. It will be a scary year, for the first time ever I have no idea where I will be in a year's time. I have finals and my degree will finish and then we'll see. Scary.

( End of year meme... )

S	M	T	W	T	F	S
					1	2
3	4	5	6	7	8	9
10	11	12	13	14	15	16
17	18	19	20	21	22	23
24	25	26	27	28	29	30
31

Distracted by shiny things

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In need of some <3 Advice...

Gossip Girl continues to be awesome and more about my student self.

Oh the woes of being a friendless graduate fresher in London

HEROES 3.01, 3.02

(no subject)

Finals

I'm okay, really.

Yes, that pretty much summarises how I feel:

sunshine makes everything better

Revision: when any little thing becomes a huge deal

(no subject)

(no subject)

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Skins and an MSc

(no subject)

(no subject)

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Gossip Girl

Yay!! Fireworks!!!

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May 2009

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