Distracted by shiny things

I was going to post about my new found love of David Ford and the awesome gig I went to tonight with lauds and one of my housemates and how I did abysmally on my collections, but a glance at my flist showed me something I didn't want to believe but was forced to by all the repetition.

Heath Ledger has died. I am really upset right now, I have never been that upset about the death of a celebrity. I am just in a such a shock, he was so young, so talented, this is so sad. I love so many of his films and him. 

I am bored and can't concentrate on what I should be reading at all.

That is very bad as last week, I did nothing on the weekend and monday and consequently had the week of hell, no fun or sleep! At the end in worked out all right, in a miracle sort of way I did both of my essays, the second one in under 4 hours and my tutor really liked it though after, I was so shattered I slept half way through saturday.

Anyway, the point is that I alway tell myself: never again. I try to learn from my mistakes, but it is Monday evening and I have done very, very little and can't seem to concentrate for longer than about 2 minutes. At all.

And maybe because I haven't really gone anywhere since Saturday, which is really awful :( And so feel restless and jittery and should have gone to the library, but it is 25mins walk and I had to carry my lap top which is annoying, so I thought I will stay and read Durkheim: The Division of labour in society and I can't do it. :((

What should I do? Help!

Also I have been away so much that I feel like I am really missing out on fandom and LJ and everything and somhow I can never catch up and maybe this is a good thing, because for a long time now I have stopped feeling like I can really express myself here and I am not sure why.

But due to lack of internet I have missed:

• yuletide sign ups, I have doneyuletide the past 3 years and it is my favourite thing ever and I missed the deadline :(
• The Dumbledore is gay squee, I only found out days late and by then people flist was less with the joy and more with the wank which made  me feel very sad
• Heroes, I have now caught up, but I have missed reaction posts and fic and feel like it is odd to post my reactions so late after the fact, though perhaps this is partly due to my confusion over how I feel. I am a bit disappointed, but the last few eps have made me squee madly, so I keep hoping it will be as awesome as before. At least there is always Nathan. With a shotgun. And a Peter shrine. Wanting more is greedy. Also Sark and Hero are love. And I may be the only person in all the land, but I like West, so there!
  
• And much, much more I am sure.

But on the bright side, Halloween is very soon and I am going to a party, though no clue how to dress up! I have finally started my Oxford application, and decided to leave the US alone and apply next year if I don't get in here, which is likely, and then spend the year doing things which can improve my US application. Not sure what things yet, but there is time. And, well can't think of anything else, as am feeling really down, but things are okay.

It is at the point where at at 1:49am you have written 250 words of an essay that was due in earlier the evening and are researching necrophilia for said essay that you know things are not going well, especially since you had to hand in your essay on the suckiness of the UN earlier that evening, several hours too late.

No I don't have time to say anything else to say right now only really felt like sharing my distaste at Plato's argument being examplified by love of the dead.

Long overdue update coming soon, after I sleep for a couple of days.

My fingers ache. Have just completed essay number one for the week, it is a pile of shit on virtue ethics and I am scared to reread it, but I don't even have the time to reread it. Have to start reading for my political theory essay, otherwise I am screwed. My back hurts. It's like I never move anymore. All day in my room, constantly working, then tutes all over for the week, a burst of relief as I can finally have a break. Go out, socialise, see people. Go to bed too late again. Become even more tired as I deseprately attempt to catch up sleep on the weekend but end up sleeping less. Somehow the weekend is over, have done nothing productive and not enough fun and suddenly it is Monday again. Two essay due in three days time and nothing else at all.

It is such a routine. I feel bored. It is unusual and unpleasant.

One thing I have never had here is a routine, there is always so much to do but never enough time and just work. No time to actually go to lectures. My neck hurts. Missed salsa yesterday. At least film night I organised in JCR was a success, watched the Motorcycle Diaries. Brilliant. Want to abandon everything and fly to South America. Laughable idea as am too scared to go places by myself even in Oxford.

There is a trampoline outside. In the centre of Main Quad, for a breast cancer charity people are going to be jumping 24hrs to raise money. A good idea, a fun way to do it. Only. I can hear the constant squeaking. It makes me nod my head and it is not even that loud, feels like a constant drilling in my brain. Shoulders hurt too. Perhaps am in need of a break but no time for one, need to read 50 pages before going to bed. At least rowing was cancelled this morning due to high waters or something, desperately needed those extra hours of sleep.

squeak...squeak...squeak...

it is driving me crazy

It's snowing. Enormous snowflakes. In mid april. WTF, weather, WTF?

I am beginning to think that it will never be spring ever. :(

So fucking sick and cold, how can it be so cold when I am in fact wearing this amount of clothes? :((

Have to do maths on top of everything.