Feb. 22nd, 2009 05:35 pm
katia: (writing)
It's been a while. Again. I don't really know why I don't post ever, because I check my flist all the time and have a lot of things to say, though perhaps am no longer feeling lj is the best forum for that. Maybe a blog may be the answer. We'll see. I keep taking pictures I want to post, but it's so much effort doing that, maybe I will get a paid account again.

For some reason I only post when I have shit loads of work (THREE essays and a presentation for next week, why do I do this to myself?!) and never anything of substance to say. Hmm.

A brief look at my life right now, nicely categorised and all.
  • Education: still getting firsts on essays and not speaking in class, had to submit dissertation title and synopsys on Friday, came up with that in the process of filling in the form, oops, inconsistent performance when it comes to presentations.
  • Friends: somehow balancing Ox and LSE people pretty well, though lately have seen a lot more of the latter, but have been doing lunches with the former, some new people that are a lot of fun.
  • Travel: Yeah Morocco was very recent and I have no money but am going to Barcelona at the end of term, the whole of my course is going, it is going to be an educational trip, it was the idea of our tutors and we are going to have classes. This is so totally valid!
  • Love: that dreaded day was only a week ago, was going to post a rant against it but had to get ready to go out and ran out of time, did have a surprisingly fun, drunken and debauched evening, more generally things are confusing me from more than one direction
  • London: I adore this city, had a plan to do cultural things and that was going pretty well at the start of term with a visit to Tate Modern, the theatre and ballet, but then there was snow and essays, have been walking everywhere, oh how relative distance is
  • Oxford: went to Oxford for the first time since since finals, it was wonderful of course, beautiful and cold and I realised how much I missed the familiarity of the streets and Univ and the Covered Market and everything else.
  • Job: nothing to report here, haven't applied anywhere, because I am a failure.
  • Cinema: Have recently seen Slumdog Millionaire and Milk, though very much enjoyed both, maybe Milk more, thought that may have a lot to do with being in the most luxurious cinema ever.
  • TV: Heroes: it's okay, the last few eps especially, but I will never forgive them for Nathan, Gossip Girl: continues to be awesome, it's not like I watch it for a realistic representation of teens, L word: can make me really angry, and I know the ending will upset me, but still highly entertaining, Skins S3: I enjoy it, though it really has thrown reality out of the window and contains a character I want to kill.
  • Fandom: I miss Merlin, have developed a mad love for AUs, maybe will post some recs soon.
That's pretty much it. I will try to drop by more often, so that my entries are not simply lots of info that is of interest to no one,
katia: (Default)

I’ve been wanting to update. But what to say? What I have been doing? Well everything at first and now somehow I am back to nothing. I don’t know. I am at home, have been here for almost two weeks, today is the first day that I am by myself, as my parents have gone on holiday and apart from pretty much a whole season of Doctor Who (not yet the finale, started watching because of all of your reactions!) done anything.

I was clearing out some of my stuff and found a diary I was keeping when I was 15, god 6 years ago, it lasted about a year I think, as I found LJ afterwards and stopped writing about my feelings. It is a horrible pink diary with a broken lock, it contains lists of my friends and people I wanted to kiss, and it is full of swearing and “I will so die if…” and a lot of I hate everyone and “my friend’s being a bitch” and “I am so lonely” which I don’t really remember being. It really is a cliché, the way it is written is quite horrific. It keeps talking about some boy I fancied, only his name didn’t really ring a bell and I have absolutely no idea what he looked like. None at all. Apparently I liked him for ages, which I vaguely remember, but that was so no long ago, in year 10 and not remembering scares me.

Does it mean that this is what will happen to the last three years? Are they going to disappear save for the few random posts I have on here? God I hope not, but it was different while I was living it, my time in Oxford seemed like it would continue for ever, a never ending spell of essays and friends and happiness and I could never imagine it ending. And now it has, and I still don’t believe it. I don’t think I truly will until the autumn when I don’t go back there, or perhaps sooner when my email stops working. (The idea of that freaks me out, but I am sure it will be fairly soon) or maybe even results day. Which is meant to be tomorrow, but somehow I doubt it. I hate the lack of certainty and keep checking. I guess that is why I am updating, wanted to do so before I know what my degree class is. And I have no idea what that will be, I have hopes and nightmares but perhaps tomorrow it will be all clear. And if the degree class is what it is supposed to be, in October I will be going to London, to LSE to study International Relations. I am so very excited about the prospect of that and terrified I won’t make friends, I won’t like it, I won’t…

I don’t know, it’s just been a bit of a shock adjusting from living with my friends and seeing them every day to going home, where I don’t really have any friends left. And everyone else is so busy and I don’t really know what to do. I just really miss always being around lots of people. Have read four books in the past week. But in between the books I've felt so lonely.

I guess I am being a bit melodramatic, it's getting late, I should go to bed. I never really write in here any more, I am not sure why, I suppose I feel that the anonymity of early days is long gone, and with it the ease with which honesty came. And I feel like I can't say what need, so I say nothing. Maybe I should return to the pink diary with the broken lock.

katia: (panic! :()

Things that I might have said today:

  •          While crossing the High Street: “What do you think will be better, if you get hit by a bus before your first exam or after your last?”
  •          “Snow, beautiful snow” said with a manic grin while throwing the shredded remains of a napkin at dinner.
  •        “This is what my brain looks like right now” After repeatedly squishing a plastic cup “Empty and with holes”
  •         “Boxes, boxes, boxes!” to everyone in the library and later to self like a mantra after discovering the secret to creating mind maps which are legible.
  •        “You know, I don’t know anything, but I keep hoping that all the revision wouldn’t have been in vain and somehow magically things will pop in my brain when I need them”

katia: (shopping)
Home sweet home. Or something.

Have been home since Saturday but have only just turned on the computer for the first time only to discover that neither of my USB ports are working so I can't charge my iPod or my phone (my phone charger met its unfortunate end a few weeks back, a long story involving a sandwich maker) and that my paid account has expired. :( Have no money on paypal and it will take a week for the money to get there so I am trying out a sponsored+ account and so far it is...annoying. LiveJournal and adverts should not mix. Still. 15 userpics is better than 6.

It hasn't really sank in that I am home for the long vac and I will not see some of my dearest friends for months. I think this is partly due to the fact that I will hardly spend any time at home as my summer is slightly insane but I don't know. It is weird to be here I have done a million loads of washing and my room is still in a terrible mess, have also managed to become ill which is highly unfortunate and I hope it will go away soon. Not that it is surprising considering the combination of weeks of exhausting work and stress followed by days of high alcohol consumption.

Yeah. About that post...I wish I posted something soon after, but then I didn't and it was a good enough example of post exam bliss.

Almost a week since I have finished, results come out in just over a week and that is not as scary a thought as it could have been. I am pretty convinced I did not fail and beyond that all I hope is that the examiner was in a good mood. (Have been repeatedly told by many different tutors that Prelims are marked only once and not really compared, meaning that we shouldn't really stress about doing worse in our best subject or whatever as the results are only correct to the nearest 4-5 marks.)

It has been good to be home, have seen a couple of friends, went shopping briefly and watched Ultraviolet. Some films are so bad they are good, some are just bad, unfortunately Ultraviolet is of the second type. Even the popcorn could not make it an alright hour and a half.

Will be back with an update about 9th week and post exams alcoholism very soon, need to go look for travel insurance now. (How does one do that?)


katia: (Default)
Distracted by shiny things

May 2009



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