I’ve been wanting to update. But what to say? What I have been doing? Well everything at first and now somehow I am back to nothing. I don’t know. I am at home, have been here for almost two weeks, today is the first day that I am by myself, as my parents have gone on holiday and apart from pretty much a whole season of Doctor Who (not yet the finale, started watching because of all of your reactions!) done anything.
I was clearing out some of my stuff and found a diary I was keeping when I was 15, god 6 years ago, it lasted about a year I think, as I found LJ afterwards and stopped writing about my feelings. It is a horrible pink diary with a broken lock, it contains lists of my friends and people I wanted to kiss, and it is full of swearing and “I will so die if…” and a lot of I hate everyone and “my friend’s being a bitch” and “I am so lonely” which I don’t really remember being. It really is a cliché, the way it is written is quite horrific. It keeps talking about some boy I fancied, only his name didn’t really ring a bell and I have absolutely no idea what he looked like. None at all. Apparently I liked him for ages, which I vaguely remember, but that was so no long ago, in year 10 and not remembering scares me.
Does it mean that this is what will happen to the last three years? Are they going to disappear save for the few random posts I have on here? God I hope not, but it was different while I was living it, my time in Oxford seemed like it would continue for ever, a never ending spell of essays and friends and happiness and I could never imagine it ending. And now it has, and I still don’t believe it. I don’t think I truly will until the autumn when I don’t go back there, or perhaps sooner when my email stops working. (The idea of that freaks me out, but I am sure it will be fairly soon) or maybe even results day. Which is meant to be tomorrow, but somehow I doubt it. I hate the lack of certainty and keep checking. I guess that is why I am updating, wanted to do so before I know what my degree class is. And I have no idea what that will be, I have hopes and nightmares but perhaps tomorrow it will be all clear. And if the degree class is what it is supposed to be, in October I will be going to London, to LSE to study International Relations. I am so very excited about the prospect of that and terrified I won’t make friends, I won’t like it, I won’t…
I don’t know, it’s just been a bit of a shock adjusting from living with my friends and seeing them every day to going home, where I don’t really have any friends left. And everyone else is so busy and I don’t really know what to do. I just really miss always being around lots of people. Have read four books in the past week. But in between the books I've felt so lonely.
I guess I am being a bit melodramatic, it's getting late, I should go to bed. I never really write in here any more, I am not sure why, I suppose I feel that the anonymity of early days is long gone, and with it the ease with which honesty came. And I feel like I can't say what need, so I say nothing. Maybe I should return to the pink diary with the broken lock.